The North Bay Bay

From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff

After a national search which involving members of the CSIS, CIA, and MI5, the North Bay Police have declared that the Cassells St. Tim Horton is “the headquarters of super villain Dr. Doom.”

“It’s obviously his hideout,” says Police Chief Sean Divine. “There’s villain all over it. A lot try to keep it low-key by driving small, ordinary looking cars, but when there’s seven Honda Civics outside one building, you just know something evil is happening inside.”

Readers may know Dr. Doom as the archenemy of The Fantastic Four, a group of heroes which includes one guy whose catch phrase is literally “flame on.”

“Dr. Doom is no laughing matter!” yells Chief Divine. “Dr. Victor Von Doom is a polymath, and a scientific genius, and the leader of Latveria, and he’s got a really scary mask!”

Hortons has a laser

The Cassells St. Tim Hortons has long been a hot topic for North Bay as a place where people go to get coffee and sometimes actually stay to drink it. Many have observed that a few of the Tim Hortons’ patrons look “shabby” and have speculated that these patrons might not live on Airport and are therefore not deserving of the finer things in North Bay (like Timmy’s tasty treats).

“I’ve heard he has a death laser,” Divine whisperes into the microphone. “I’ve heard he’s got one and it’s big.”

Chief Divine wiggles his fingers menacingly but few notice, as someone has brought in a box of mixed Timbits® and people are pretty busy trying to find the chocolate ones.

The North Bay Bay asked if Chief Divine could provide physical evidence that Dr. Doom had set up shop in North Bay, to which Chief Divine turned over the podium to Clint Maxim, an agent of the CSIS.

“I’ve got nothing” Clint said before disappearing into a smoke cloud. Clint later reappeared next to the Timbits® box, where he cursed whoever had eaten all the honey crullers and left nothing but old fashioned plains.

When asked if the police would storm the lair, Chief Sean Divine retook the stage.

“Hell no!” screeched Divine. “Didn’t you hear me? He’s got a death laser in there! And a scary mask! And he probably shoots lightning or something. Plus, when I drove by there was three people all standing in front of the building, and I got really scared.”

“Scooter gangs, man. They’ll rip you to shreds.”