“Good thetans happen here” – Canadore College unveils new Scientology Program

From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff

NORTH BAY — It’s not everyday that Canadore College starts a new 2 year program, but it’s also not every year that the post-secondary institution receives an anonymous $23 million grant.

“We’re amazed and thankful,” says Programming Director Kendall Stanton. “Canadore College is moving into the future at the speed of science!”

The Canadore Scientology Program will see select students study the basic tenets of Scientology before steadily ascending with e-meter assessments and regular audits “at lightly discounted student pricing.”

“Canadore College is proud to welcome this program with open arms and a willing thetan,” says Stanton.

Operating Thetans of Excellence

 The Scientology Program “will directly compliment” Canadore’s new 160-bed long-term care facility and budding North Bay Addictions Centre of Excellence.

“That’s a whole lot of people, sick and elderly, that need the gentle guiding hand of a Scientologist,” purrs Stanton. “Canadore will be able to offer these vulnerable people the ability to be clear, healthy and operating thetans.”

“And for the elderly, what could be better than regular audits in the hopes of unlocking 73 trillion year’s worth of memories?”

Victory Sweep

Ken Garrett, Head of Canadore’s Public Relations, hopes that “all of Canadore” will accept Scientology.

“It’s my true hope that everyone in Canadore will embrace Scientology,” says Garrett. “Mostly because if we get enough people on board we could register as a religion and avoid taxes.”

“Also, we could learn a thing or two about supressing harassment claims from Scientology,” continues Canadore. “And that would go great with our standing ‘Sweet It Under the Rug’ policy.”

Garrett coughs.

“Anyways, praise Xenu.”

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