Canadore and Nipissing formally declare war

From: Philip St. George, staff

NORTH BAY — Canadore College and Nipissing University have formally declared war.

The two educational institutions, which share a building at 100 College Drive, have been sitting on a “time bomb” for years, proclaimed Canadore President George Burton in a rallying speech early this morning.

“We have grown tired of Nipissing dragging us down!” trumpeted Burton. “It’s time for Canadore to shake off this blue and green anchor, and rise up like the fiery red bird it is!”

Canadore’s declaration was immediately responded to by Nipissing University, which ratified a formal declaration of war at 9:30 am.

The declaration will set off a “powder keg” that has been building up under the two institutions for years, ignition “full-scale battle the likes of which North Bay has never seen” says Nipissing President Mike DeGagné.

Teacher, professors, instructors, assistants, clerks, secretaries, librarians and custodians will take the battlefield, where, wielding “anything from a makeshift mace to a 3D printed Luger” they will engage is all-out warfare.

“But we’ve both agreed to keep students out of it,” says President DeGagné. “It’s the only thing we can agree on.”

“Everything else will be decided with blood.”

“It’ll be mayhem.”

“I think some of the broadcasting students are a bit excited,” says Canadore Dean Martin Galvin. “They’ll probably get a few good shots of their profs skewering enemies, you know – being heroes.”

Historian and life-time resident Lilian Skinner weighed in on the upcoming struggle and who might win out.

“While Canadore College is the longer, more established institute, it would be foolish to dismiss Nipissing,” says Skinner. “I think you’ll find that while Canadore is stronger offensively, using their mechanics and engineers to create havoc, Nipissing will be more than capable tactically. They will be trying to out think and out-flank Canadore at every turn.”

Wide-spread battles are expected to erupt early next week as students begin to get ready for October mid-terms.

“It will be an opportune time for faculty to begin small raids,” says Skinner. “I’d expect the more daring souls in Canadore’s sport programs to act first, with Nipissing’s Education professors retaliating.”

“From there though, it’ll be mayhem.”

Confidence on Both Sides

North Bay citizens are asked to avoid both campuses as the two schools war, and while neither side is willing to say exactly how long the conflict will last, both presidents are confident it will be a short one.

“Thanks to the aviation program, we’ve got planes,” says President Burton. “Thanks to the technician programs we have cars, boats, and motorcycles. I mean, what’s Nipissing going to do? Gender Studies us to death?!”

“War is not all on the field,” retorted President DeGagné. “We know our history, we know our geography, our biology, and our psychology. We have every edge.”

“And also, I just leased a tank.”

Union Accusations

While the battle is just beginning, the Ontario Public Service Employees Union was quick to accuse both institutions of starting a war in an attempt to lower running costs before the end of a fiscal year.

“That’s nonsense,” says Burton. “I don’t care about Canadore’s running costs. I’m getting my $20 000 raise next year whether this school has 1 faculty member or 100.”

“I’m not saying it wouldn’t help,” says DeGagné. “We do run a staff BBQ twice a year and, well, beef is getting a bit pricey…”

“But this war isn’t about money. It’s about the value of students, the hard work of faculty, and the sweet, sweet purr of a new T-80 tank.”

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