The North Bay Bay

From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff

NORTH BAY — Frank Ross, the owner and operator of I-NEED-A-CAR, has exploded.

Ross’s friend confirmed Thursday morning that Frank Ross arrived to work as a passenger in a clean and comfortable looking car, which he stepped out before spontaneously blowing up.

The North Bay Bay has been informed that the car was, in fact, part of a rideshare.

“Oh, yeah,” says car driver Kaedon Webb. “I picked that guy up. Got the call and was there in five, scooped him up, and took him from Airport down to Algonquin. Cost $5. I offered to let him play his music but he just sat in the back looking uncomfortable. I think maybe he expected a cab or something.”

“Well, we roll up, he pays, gets out, and I can hear him mumbling a bunch of stuff. Sounded like he was talking about how clean the car was, how quickly I was there, how little it cost to get around. You know, all the things that make rideshares great.”

“Then, this guy starts shaking. Like, really shaking. Rumbling. He starts yelling ‘ADAPT OR GO EXTINCT!’ ‘ADAPT OR GO EXTINCT!’ a bunch of times so I rolled up my window and then KABOOM!”

“Dude explodes.”

“Anyway, I gotta go hit the car-wash and pick someone up on Lakeshore. No extra fee for me having to travel out there though. That wouldn’t be cool.”

Ross is remembered by his employees, who will be offering rides to his funeral for a $4.60 taxi start tariff plus $3.60 per kilometer charge for travel inside of North Bay. Those outside the city looking to attend are advised to bring large bills.