City business now accepting TP as currency

From: Darren D. MacDonald, staff

NORTH BAY — The Coronavirus has hit Canada, and Canada has built a paper defense.

Across the nation, simpletons are bare knuckle boxing in the aisles of Costco and Walmart to see who will walk away with the 5th package of toilet paper they don’t need. This has left many who just want some good ol’ ass-wipes with an empty roll. Figuratively and literally.

Many North Bayites have looked into alternatives. Local entrepreneurs are hoping to start “The North Bidet Appliances and Toiletries” in a push to bring the bidet to the bay.

Team leader Chanel Muzzin pitched the idea to Nipissing Parry Sound Business Centre Thursday morning.

“As long as you have water running to your house, you have a clean keister!” says Muzzin. “Take the power back!”

“Unless water stops running. In which case you’ve got way bigger issues than a dirty derriere.”’

Local Business Now Accepting TP

But local owner Greg Good doesn’t see how a bidet could work for him.

“The price of a bidet and knowhow is just too much for me,” sighs Good. “I’m struggling as is.”

“So that’s why I’m announcing that my store, Greg’s Craft Goods, will now begin accepting toilet paper as legal currency.”

How It Works

“Instead of charging $15 for a pound of assorted beads, I charge 10 toilet paper rolls (or TP). That could change though, depending on the TP to CAD exchange rate.”

Good is hoping to spur business with his new initiative.

“I just want to make enough TP to support myself and my family. Maybe save a bit. You know, to pass some toilet paper down to my grandchildren.”

Good has some advice for those who are struggling.

“The trick to it all is conservation. Just remember: one sheet per sh#t. That’s the easy part for me, anyway. The hard part will be convincing my landlord to accept TP as rent.”

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