North Bay Battalion very excited about maybe winning something, someday

From: Jennifer Hanson, staff

NORTH BAY — Coming off a 6-1 loss to Ottawa 67s, a 4-3 loss to the Kingston Frontenacs, a 6-1 loss to the Peterborough Petes, a 4-0 loss to the Hamilton Bulldogs, a 4-3 loss to the Oshawa Generals and 18 other losses less than mid-way through a 68 game season, the North Bay Battalion are very excited to win something, someday.

Battalion head coach and general manager Dan Servant says that the wins will come with a bit of tinkering.

“We don’t need much to get going again,” explains Servant. “Just a good right defenseman, two good left defensemen, three or four forwards, a goalie that can stop more than 8 out of 10 shots, a certified sniper, a solid play-maker, and a new coach who is in touch with their players and will bring about a total shift in how they approach hockey.”

“You know, easy stuff.”

A Bunch of Babies

Concerning his teammates desire to win, defenseman Brandon Simon is unsympathetic.

“What a bunch of babies,” sneers Simon. “All I do is win.”

“Yeah, sure maybe the team isn’t winning, but I’m currently ranked the #286th Fortnite player in the entire world, and yesterday I got an email telling me I just inherited $200 000 from my dead uncle in England, so those whiners can suck it.”

Hopeful Lars

Battalion forward Lars Kjellsson says he’s very excited to maybe someday win a game.

“In Sweden, I remember when we win against others,” recalls Kjellsson. “But here, we don’t as much. Still, I am very excited to see what it is like. For now though, I settle for buying scratch tickets.”

“Last week, I won $100. 100 is a lot to me because it is 24 more than all the goals the Battalion have scored this year combined.”

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