Free Vrebosch “Assault Donuts” Viciously Popular

From: XIII, staff

NORTH BAY – Pandemonium has struck the downtown core following Bill Vrebosch’s recent promise to give free pizza and donuts to assault victims. Moments after the City Councillor’s pledge, residents and visitors of the downtown alike were assaulted at an unprecedented level.

“We’ve had a line up of bloody people outside our door NON-STOP for a week” says Tasha Grey, owner of Dearly Delicious Donuts. “Councillor Vrebosch has quite the bill stacked up.”

Questionable Circumstances

Downtown victims have been steadily streaming into Dearly Delicious and demanding their free food stuffs. Injuries range from broken legs, to black eyes, to mildly bloody noses.

Some “really pushed their acting to the limit,” explains Grey. “They’re exaggerating their injuries for the sweet, sweet taste of apple fritters and artisan style treats.”

“And we know because many of them admitted it right to us.”

Karma Cleanse

“Yeah, no, I’m fine” stated Cletus McGill, who asked to not be named. “But hey, if you can get free food, I’m willing to slap a bit of make-up on and whine a bit.”

“Gotta admit though, had the runs after all those donuts yesterday. Gave my toilet a good brown glaze all day long. You could call it karma, I call it a cleanse. Anyway, I’ll be back tomorrow”

Bills to Pay

“I just walked in and happened to have a bloody nose” explains another pastry recipient. “I had a donut thrown at me, with the words ‘Sorry for the assault, have a Vrebosch donut!’ scrunched up and written on the food. I don’t even know what a ‘Vrebosch’ is”.

“I could care less if they’re faking” Tasha Grey admitted. “All I know is I’m gonna have a fat cheque courtesy of the city to compensate”

Community Service

When presented with the bill from Dearly Delicious, Councillor Vrebosch gave no intelligible comment.

Sighing, Vrebosch signed the bill, making it the largest contribution he has ever given to the community.

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