From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff
NORTH BAY — Local scientist Headley Constant wants North Bay to know the truth.
“On Monday evening North Bay was attacked by a gigantic shadfly,” declares Constant. “The local news has a photo of the event, but has refused to tell the public the truth. Instead, they’ve been conspiring and covering up by pretending the picture is a clever photoshop by someone named ‘Avery Ross.'”
“But I know the truth! A giant shadfly attacked North Bay and we only survived because of Beaverman.”
Constant explains that ‘Beaverman’ is a local man who the scientist has gifted incredible powers to.
“I won’t give away his secret identity, but when he puts on the Beaver Suit and drinks the Secret Beaver Serum he transforms and becomes Beaverman.”
“And it was only by the grace of goodwill of Beaverman that we all survived.”
“Shadra,” the nearly 200 foot wide shadfly, descended on the city Monday evening, Constant explains.
“It was right before Game 5 between the Raptors and the Warriors, so that’s why nobody saw it.”
Beaverman transformed to meet Shadra near Main St., and the battle continued down onto the waterfront.
Unlike its regular-sized shadfly brethren, Constant explains that Shadra has “a mouth of razor sharp teeth” as well as prismatic beams and the ability to create gale force winds.
“But Beaverman was able to take her down in under 5 minutes, which is good, because the serum only works for about 10.”
Constant describes the battle.
“Shadra brought with her dark, ominous clouds and lightning. But when Beaverman ripped her titanic wings off of her with a hellish crack, the heavens opened and it was almost like day for a while.”
“Which is great, because I had to go fish Beaverman out of the lake when he shrunk back down.”
As for where Beaverman is now, Constant can’t be sure.
“When I talked to him he said he wanted to experience North Bay life,” says Constant. “Really just become an average North Bay citizen.”
“Last I saw him he was at the Cassell’s Tim Hortons vaping in pajama pants on the hood of a 2009 Honda Civic, so I think he’s achieved his goal.”
But will Beaverman return to defend North Bay again should more monsters arrive?
“Yeah, probably,” shrugs Constant. “I mean, as long as he hasn’t pawned the costume for vape juice or a neck tattoo.”
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