1000s of invisible people turn out for first ever “Straight Pride March”

From: thenorthbaybay.ca staff

On Saturday, June 22nd, thousands of invisible people gathered in North Bay for the first ever “Straight Pride March.”

A loud, borderline obnoxious horde of mostly white, predominantly middle-aged people gathered together, yelling, waving flags and patting each other on the back for not being “different.” Or at least we think that’s what happened, as everyone was invisible and also very quiet.

Gale Von Borne, who claims to be the leader and organizer, spoke to thenorthbaybay.ca through a series of Facebook messages about the wildly successful march.

“I just want to start off by reminding you I’m straight.” Gale wrote.

Gale’s profile picture was that of a screaming bald eagle riding what appears to be a bright red monster truck, with two howling wolves superimposed on a lightning-filled background.

“Just to be clear – are you a woman or a man?” The North Bay Bay’s Jennifer Hanson’s wrote back.

“I’m a man. A straight man! The STRAIGHTEST OF MEN!” Gale responded. He then sent Jennifer three photos of himself; one of him in full camo, one of him shirtless on a boat, and the third of which is currently being held by local police.

Gale went on:

“I saw that they (North Bay’s LGBTQ2+ community) were planning a march to celebrate being gay and I thought we should have a parade too. Why should they get the only one? Yeah, maybe they have been persecuted throughout history, and yeah, ok, maybe there still exist more hate crimes against same-sex couples than ‘straight’ couples, and yeah, sure, maybe Pride Marches and Parades bring a sense of community and allow those who are marginalized for being gay, bi, queer, trans, intersex or anything other than ‘straight’ to come out and feel welcome in a safe place but that doesn’t mean people like me shouldn’t have our own day, right? I’m straight and I’m proud and I want a parade too!”

The North Bay Bay asked Gale if he had any trouble getting so many people together for the totally silent, 100% invisible North Bay “Straight Pride March.”

“Oh no. There’s way more of us straight people than them gay people. Like, it’s literally a 50 to 1 ratio. Ha ha, good thing it isn’t the other way around.”

“That would be kinda scary.”

Amelie’s story

Later that day, Amelie Richison messaged The North Bay Bay to tell her side of the story.

“I just don’t think that it’s right,” Richison explained. “So they’re gay. Who cares? Keep it in the bedroom. Nobody wants to know you’re gay. That stuff should be private.”

Richison continued:

“I’m married. My husband and I have been married for twelve years and we do all the things a straight couple should do – we go on dates, holds hands, and kiss each other in public. But we don’t have a parade over it. I don’t want any of my three kids seeing gay people doing gay people things. It should be private. You don’t see Christians having a parade over some Christian holiday. Keep it secret. Like your political beliefs or your religion.”

“Anyways, it doesn’t matter. I just know God is going to smite them.”

Photographic evidence

Finding evidence of a giant, invisible “Straight Pride Parade” proved difficult for The North Bay Bay, so we put out a public call for photos of the event.

Raymond Prite responded, so we met Raymond on Main St. Sunday, where the Pride March had been the day before.

Raymond handed over a single, glossy photo before speaking.

Raymond’s photo, clearly labelled by Raymond to show the marchers

“There was thousands of us there. Thousands! We followed right behind the Pride March, all the way down McIntyre and Main and right to the beach. But they never acknowledged us. It’s like they didn’t even know we were there. How could you miss that? We’re straight! No one ignores us!”

We asked Raymond what he thought of the first ever Pride March having between 600 to 1000 people in attendance.

Prite simply shook his head and said “sad.”

When we pressed Prite to explain, but he just kept shaking his head.

“Sad. Sad.”

After a while, Raymond began backing away. He was last seen slowly walking into Lake Nipissing, head shaking, mouth forming the words “sad.” He has presumably drowned.

The real question is, will there be another “Straight Pride March?”

Yes, says Von Borne.

“Every day there are Pride Parades and Marches where straight people aren’t welcome.,” Gale wrote.

The North Bay Bay asked if Gale could identify such a march. But Gale only responded by sending us a snapshot of him firing a gun, a picture of his favourite sport team’s logo, and a photo of someone’s innocent, non-prejudiced children before blocking us.

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