From: Darren D. MacDonald, thenorthbaybay.ca
NORTH BAY — With municipal elections looming on the horizon, many North Bay citizens are turning their eyes to early polls in order to gauge the political climate. Who leads and who follows affects those with hopes of one day becoming mayor, those with no hope of ever being mayor, and those who see municipal elections as a slow trudge they must endure every 4 years.
In partnership with The Canadian Statistics Group of Canadian Statisticians of Canada (CSGCSC), The North Bay Bay has run a poll to see who, exactly, North Bay looks to be voting for.
“The numbers speak for themselves” says CSGCSC specialist Peter Ollie. “I mean… It’s my job to say that, right? That’s why you have me here. No one cares about the numbers, they just care about the soundbite. So… ‘The numbers speak for themselves’”
According to the CSGCSC poll, candidates Will Boissoin, Gary Philip Gardiner, and Mike Guillemette hold less than 25% of the votes.
“The interesting numbers are in the top three,” says Ollie. “There’s another soundbite for you.”
“Are we almost done here?”
Ex-Northbrand wrestling referee and local Internet Wiz-kid Sheldon Forgette polls in with 19.3% of the votes. Just above him, local celebrity “Weird” Al McDonald is holding steady with over a quarter of the votes at 26.8%. And at the top of the polls with 30.1% of the vote is the Sheldon Forgette Election Sign.
The sign respectfully declined to comment.
“I’m shocked,” says mayoral candidate Sheldon Forgette. “I mean, I did do the sign myself. It was good… Perhaps too good. I guess I need to step up my game.”
As of this article, Sheldon Forgette has declared that he is ditching his signs and resorting to graffiti. He’ll be crudely spray painting “Forgette a’bout it!” on random walls, houses and cars around town.
Unwilling and unknowing honourary candidate Jerry O’Connell was not able to be reached for comment.