From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff
In a shocking turn of events, shadflies have returned to North Bay.
The aquatic insects, typically measuring between 2 and 3 cm in size, have descended on the hapless city.
“I don’t know what they are!” says Margaret O’Donnell, a lifelong resident of North Bay. “My whole family is huddled in our house now, just waiting for the end.”
Despite there yet being any documented cases, Margaret swears that one bit her “right on the eyeball.”
Other North Bayites were quick to share their tales.
Sitting in the boarded up Twigg’s Cafe, Jennifer Crawley told thebaybay that a shadfly, “half the size of a truck” stole her prized dog Buttons.
“Buttons was the most beautiful, majestic dog,” sniffs Crawley, 32. “He was a doberman pinscher with a big heart and a small, powerful mouth.”
Some may remember Buttons as the dog who allegedly bit seven pedestrians and one park bench last year.
Not true, says Crawley. “Buttons didn’t bite anyone! Even with my complete neglect for his wellbeing, Buttons was a loving, caring dog with hard, sharp teeth. He would never have hurt a fly.”
But it looks like a fly might have hurt him.
Hurtling in at a speed well over 60 kilometers an hour, with his wings “burning redder than both of Satan’s armpits” the shadfly descended on Buttons just outside Thompson Park and lifted him “higher than a North Bay tax hike.”
A support group for Buttons has sprung up on Facebook, with many blaming the North Bay Humane Society for not stopping the spread of shadflies.
Wesley Sosa, a Humane Society officer, issued a statement yesterday.
“Shadflies are seasonal!” Sosa screamed, feverishly tearing the hair from his head. “They come every year! And they’re small. Really, really small! Good God, what is wrong with you people?!”
Sosa’s statement is little comfort to people like Margaret O’Donnell, who has boarded up all her windows is living on emergency rations.
“It’s all over for us now” O’Donnell says, weeping . “The only comfort we have is that something like this will never, ever happen again.”