From: Darren D. MacDonald, thenorthbaybay.ca
NORTH BAY – A recent study has discovered that the backseat of any Rideshare program car is “ickier than your average toilet seat,” but George Williams, head of Car Study Group – North, says the study has found much more than that.
“Aside from the increased amounts of ‘ickiness’ in backseats, the study has also found that every single Rideshare car is slowly killing the people inside it,” says Williams.
The study, which was anonymously funded, goes even furtherer by positing that anyone who uses a Rideshare car is “400% more prone to cancer, MS, ALS heart disease, and in some cases, dysentery.”
“But if you share a ride with a completely legitimate taxi company,” continues the study, “these effects are non-existent, if not totally reversed.”
“Anything bad that can happen will happen in a Rideshare car,” summarizes Williams. “But nothing bad will ever happen in a taxi cab.”
Williams explains that his Car Study Group – North “definitely doesn’t have any agenda or outside influences.”
“Nearly half of people that use Rideshare programs are prone to getting cancer. Not only that, but anyone that uses a Ridesharing app, even once, has the same risk of cancer that an actual Rideshare rider has.”
“Additionally, and I don’t want to alarm anyone, but in one of our studies, we interviewed someone who took an Uber, and later that night their son died.”
I-NEED-A-CAR is Safer
Don Strong, the new owner of a local taxi company I-NEED-A-CAR, is pointing to the study as a confirmation that taxicabs will always and forever be better than Rideshares.
“Why are we ignoring the facts?!” yells Strong. “RIDESHARING IS KILLING OUR KIDS! They are dangerous! Look at me! My good friend Frank Ross took a Rideshare once and exploded, leaving me his still lucrative, potentially police-protected company.”
“So,” continues Strong, “from now on out, all I-NEED-A-CAR cabs will have a $10 Safety Fee. Nothing will be changed or added to the taxis or the drivers, but the fee’s existence will make things safer. I mean, our taxis are already safe, but the fee will make things even more safe.”
“Safer than Rideshares, that’s for sure, because Ridesharing programs cause cancer… not taxis. Taxis reverse cancer. My study– I mean… the study… says so.”
More on this story as it unfolds.