From: XIII, thenorthbaybay.ca staff
Downtown North Bay: it’s where people go for their morning coffees, to enjoy great food from great eateries, and to get screamed at by other people wearing pajamas bottoms. Even in these uncertain times, downtown North Bay is booming.
But it’s not the only thing.
“I was walking my dog downtown yesterday when my nostrils were filled with an incredibly pungent aroma,” explains North Bay resident Doris Dey. “I looked for the source and found it: not ten paces from me was a young man just letting it rip without any regard for the people around him.”
Though face masks are designed to prevent the spread of infectious diseases like COVID-19, they do not block human farts. This has come as a surprise to many unfortunate frequenters of the downtown area, though others are still oblivious.
“Masks are made with filters,” insists a man eating a bowl of beans outside Cecil’s. “Filters.”
He begins skipping away, bowl of beans in hand and tiny squeaks escaping his cheeks with each bound.
“If it can filter a stupid virus,” he yells, “it should be able to filter out my nauseous toooooooots.’
Though some people are willfully ignorant, others like self-proclaimed “downtown scientist” Chad Hale are concerned.
“Listen, bro, farts are all fun and games until they mix with other elements,” begins Hale. “See, the mixture of methane, car exhaust, and the general halitosis of non-mask wearing degenerates can combine into, like, a total stench conglomerate which could cover the whole downtown area, man!”
Chad tugs at his Toronto Maple Leaf pajama bottoms.
“I’m telling you, bro, these fumes could become sentient! And if it does it’ll take over the downtown and then it’ll scare everyone away and them who will scream at you outside Scotiabank?”
“Huh? HUH?! ANSWER ME THAT! ANSWER ME THHAATTT! SCREW YOU! CAN I HAVE A BUCK?! DO YOU HAVE A SMOKE?! BWAAAAHHHH!!!”