From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff
Merrick Township — The North Bay landfill was temporarily on high alert Friday as a report of something emitting gamma radiation surfaced.
Members of the North Bay Fire Department responded, but determined the emissions weren’t anything to worry about.
“It’s just a small dose of gamma radiation,” firefighter Red Greenman said Friday. “You’d get more radiation from standing in front of a slowly rotating, fully-activated microwave for six years non-stop. And that would be stupid. I mean, who’d do that? I wouldn’t. Anyways, don’t worry about it.”
Some rumours had circulated that perhaps the item emitting gamma rays was a discarded core for the North Bay Discovery’s giant death laser which disappeared in April along with the museum.
But Greenman laughed that off.
“Everyone knows that the museum’s death laser uses 2-petawatts of raw, unbridled electricity, not nuclear fission. Besides, if they were going to use the laser–”
The sounds of a pop can being crushed made Greenman shriek and cower under a discarded fridge. After some pigeon-like cooing and the promise of free wings from The Moose, Greenman eventually crawled back out.
Afterwards, Red composed himself.
“The museum, would of, uh, they’d have used it by now.”
“No more questions.”
In other news
In unrelated news, Merrick township has recently reported an increase in bigfoot sightings.
Several reports have been noted this year, but Merrick is now leading the way locally in sasquatch sightings.
“He was as big as a truck” said witness Lan Sylvester. “Like, a Ford Ranger, or a one of those little Mazdas. Not a great big Ram or F-150. He weren’t that big.”
“I was just sitting here shooting at dump bears when out comes bigfoot. He was hairy and walking and I think he was eating some french fries.”
Other Merrick residents have reported bigfoot sightings, as well as other strange things: dancing lights in the sky, a large, reptilian creature swimming in the river, and a motion by council to decrease taxes for residents of North Bay.
“All not true” a black suited man purporting to represent a shadowy North Bay organisation said. “Especially that last one.”
But Lizzy Sylvester, Lan’s wife and overburdened taxpayer, says she herself saw the beast.
“Lan was just out there shooting at the dump bears. Must’ve been around 9 or 10 at night. They’re easy to spot, the bears, ‘cause they all glow now.”
Thenorthbaybay.ca was unable to confirm nor deny that the bears glow with a sickening, yet delicate radiance.
“The bigfoot was travelling towards Toronto. I don’t know why. My husband says it’s because they’ve got so many more jobs than we do, but who needs that?” Liz offered.
“We’ve got a radioactive dump!”