Addressed to: thenorthbaybay.ca staff
To: The Editor
The North Bay Bay
Dear Senor or Senorita,
On August 22, 2019 your newspaper published an article about vigilante justice in our totally fine, properly managed city. Though the focus was in regards to the boom in costume sales, I wanted to give some insight as one whose life was changed through an act of vigilante justice. An act which is now a common and necessary part of the North Bay way of life.
Yesterday, at the very second I had finished reading your article – whilst I was using a borrowed phone that conveniently came with prepaid data – I was punched right in the face-hole. You see, up until recently I lived what one would dub a “life of crime.” I was one of the many people partaking in consistent drug use and other illicit activities. But all that changed after my face-hole was blessed by the graceful fist of justice.
After two of my teeth were knocked out by one of the anonymous vigilantes (whom I intend to keep anonymous), I used my last moments of consciousness to look at my saviour. Indeed, just before I blacked out due to severe head trauma, I peered up from my position on the ground of Main Street to see the face of Richard Graydon.
Graydon (who once again I will keep anonymous) and I were friends in high school. I can’t really explain it, but seeing Richard take a stance in life that was the polar opposite of mine made me realize, in my concussed haze, that I did not need to continue living life the way I was.
Blearily watching the anonymous Graydon make whooshing sounds and punch more addicts in the face showed me that violence is not the only thing in life. I have come to understand that one does not have to be a doped up loser to be happy – the joyful expression on the vigilante Graydon’s semi-masked face convinced me.
Since yesterday, I have begun time in rehab, and am on my way to finding a job. And I’m not the only one! The majority of those around me who were knocked unconscious by the masked, anonymous vigilante Dick Graydon (who lives on O’Brien here in North Bay) are going through rehab with me, and are taking a similar path.
So in short, thank you North Bay Bay for giving talking about our local vigilantes. Perhaps I will try to look into getting a job at one of these so called “party stores” and buy a Batman suit for myself. Then I, too, can administer sweet vigilante justice!
I’M NOT WEARING HOCKEY PANTS!,