From: Rusty “Scoops” McGraw, thenorthbaybay.ca
NORTH BAY — As meteors descend upon North Bay, painting a Lovecraftian portrait of a fiery hellscape, city council has passed a motion that everything is still perfectly fine.
With the recent ascent of THE ONE BEYOND from Lake Nipissing, citizens pleaded for North Bay’s City Council to take action.
Among those present for the council meeting was long time downtown resident Brenda Boikus.
“We just want to know what the plan is!” said Boikus. “I know I’m not alone in saying that we’re concerned for the state of North Bay and we’d like to see some leadership in action.”
Jeremy Joshua, also in attendance and being grappled by one of the many tentacles of THE ONE BEYOND, spoke.
“I’m going to be frank: I’m not sure I’ve seen North Bay this bad,” declared Joshua as he repeatedly stabbed the dread appendage. “I’m starting to wonder whether I should start a family here.”
Representatives of the North Bay Neighbourhood Watch also appeared as part of the council presentation.
Kevin Kranston speaking on behalf of the group implored: “It’s simply unacceptable. We’re basically working around the clock picking up the remains of those devoured by THE ONE BEYOND’s hordes and I’m just asking for anyone here to consider what would happen if a child accidentally cut themselves with one of these sharpened bones!”
Council Remains Steady
Despite passionate testimonials from citizens in attendance, council passed an “Everything is Perfectly Fine” motion.
Councilor Scott Roberston was left baffled.
“I’m just in shock,” says Robertson. “Every other city in Ontario, Canada, even across the world have passed ‘Calamity Emergency’ motions and we’re just going to pretend like nothing is happening?”
Marcus Tignanelli was absent from the council vote as he was too busy using his snow shovel to keep THE ONE BEYOND’s spawn at bay near old Lady Loraine’s driveway.
Mayor Al McDonald, speaking over the unearthly howls of the hellhounds just outside the chamber doors, told the media scrum: “Listen, I understand that there are some citizens who are voicing their concerns about North Bay – I think that’s great. It’s a real testament to the passion the people have for the city, but overall North Bay is still perfectly fine. I love this city and the people.”
Other motions passed included a resolution to commission a review on the water treatment plant and how it was handling the intake of the boiling blood lakes, as well as the creation of a study regarding the environmental impact that THE ONE BEYOND’s, unceasing, cyclopean war was having on the local turtles.