City invests in robot brothel

From: Philip St. George, staff

NORTH BAY — “Doing the Robot” is about to take on a whole new meaning.

Three local entrepreneurs, backed by “dozens” of interested investors, have begun the construction of a “robot brothel.”

“It’s a bold step for a small town like North Bay,” says lead investor Matt Leblonde. “Towns likes this are usually very conservative, but to help us invest in something like this shows a very progressive attitude.”

The Robot Brothel, which is set to built on Oak St. near the new Health Clinic, is “exactly what you might expect,” says Leblonde.

“It will feature over 60 robot ‘companions,’ which will be there to discretely help people relax, unwind, or let off any extra tension.”

The 6000 square foot building will contain 23 rooms, each of which has a theme or setting.

“There’s everything from a candle lit lodge to a cozy living room to a back alley at 2 am. Something for everybody.”

“We will cater to everyone in North Bay, regardless of sex, gender, orientation, or even species. Men and women are welcome, and there’s even a few canine companions available to help your family dog loosen up a little.”

Because the robot partners are not human, Leblonde says they have gone to great lengths to make them as “life-like and comforting” as possible.

“Naturally, we’ll have some that look a bit like famous celebrities. We’ve got a Chris Evans and a Chris Pine, a Scarlett Johansson and a Beyonce, and even a Lassie for our four-legged friends. Thanks to our eager investors, we’ve been able to go the extra mile in every way.”

“The robotic companions are fully-automated, highly-skilled, and open to nearly any suggestion,” says Leblonde. “They are less ‘I, Robot’ and more ‘Oh, Robot!‘”

Benefits from Both Ends

Fellow investor and entrepreneur Claire Aitkens is happy to see North Bay embracing new technology.

“This helps with so much,” says Aitkens. “Not only does it give the people of North Bay a safe, clean way to wind down, but it also supplies jobs for the area.”

On top of that of creating a “looser, less stressful” North Bay, the new facility will create 4 full-time and 12 part-time jobs. Most of the new jobs will be in security, maintenance, and cleaning.

“We’ve already hired our first few cleaners,” says Aitkens. “They’re well trained now and eager to start.”

Head cleaner Thomas McCray says he’s “really excited” to start. He’s not worried at all about the mess left behind by patrons or about cleaning it up.

“I used to work at The Sands, so this is a cakewalk. They even give me gloves here, so this is the best I’ve ever had it.”

Local Sponsors

Matt Leblonde took a moment to thank his local sponsors.

“We had local businesses that turned us down before we even had a chance to talk,” says Leblonde. “But we found a great partner in the North Bay Computer Doctors.”

The Algonquin Ave. business “eagerly invested” in the new facility, says Leblonde.

“They have even offered to wire up the WiFi and provide early upgrades so that the companions can communicate better with each other. The more the robots experience, the more they can document and share. From that data, they create a more personalized experience for each client.”

“Basically, they’ll be able to recognize who they’re with, and know what each patron either likes or doesn’t like.”

The brothel has also found some political support in fellow investor and former MP Jay Aspin.

“I don’t want to talk about it too much,” says Aspin. “But I’m really into this.”

“Like, really, really into it.”

A Great Gift

The new facility, which began early construction last week, is set to open December 10th.

“If will be a great gift for North Bay,” says Leblonde. “And time there will make a great gift, too!”

“Just like a massage parlour, we will be happy to offer gift certificates for time at the facility.”

“People can buy anything from a 30 minute gift card to a day pass which grants access to the whole facility. They make great gifts for birthdays and special occasions, to people of almost all ages. Give one to your mom. Give one to your dad. Maybe even score some points with your boss.”

“I encourage North Bay to make a present of companionship this Christmas – give the gift of fully-automated, highly-skilled robotic love.”

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