City Bans All Snow

From: Philip St. George, staff

NORTH BAY — Hard on the heels of a ban on the fake snow used by film productions, City Council announced Thursday morning that it would be banning all snow in the city.

“That’s right – it is now illegal to have snow in North Bay,” says City Councillor Vic Tikus. “Anyone caught with snow on their lawn, on their vehicle, or in their possession will be fined.”

With “possession of snow” officially a punishable offense, citizens are encouraged to take all the steps necessary to avoid being found with the white stuff.

“Melt it down if you can,” says Tikus. ” Stock up on space heaters and extension cords. Do whatever it takes to keep snow off your lawns, houses, cars and coats. Buy tarps, buy heated brushes. You’d be surprised at just how easy it is to build a homemade flamethrower for under $100.”

Tikus leans in.

“But I will only say this once – I don’t care if you’re 50 years old or 5 years old, if I see a snowman on your lawn you’re getting a fine.”

Environmental Impact

While Tikus says the decision may baffle some North Bayites, he wishes to assure citizens that it was made for all the right reasons.

“It was purely an environmental decision,” explains Tikus. “Snow is awful for the environment. Every time the snow comes, it covers up all the trash and litter on the streets and when it melts a lot of that garbage gets washed directly into Lake Nipissing, which is bad for the fish.”

“I mean, I guess you could argue that we shouldn’t litter in the first place, but if I can’t throw my garbage wherever I want, then really – what’s the point?”

Money Saved

With less snow to deal with in the city, Council expects that road maintenance costs will decrease.

“The City spends an average of $2.7 million a year on winter road maintenance alone,” says Domenic Schiavone, Director of Public Works. “With the city banning snow, we’ll easily save over $1 million a year in plowing and sanding.”

“Combine that with all the additional money the new ‘snow tickets’ will bring in, and City Council is probably looking at an extra $3 million or more in the coffers.”

Does that mean less road maintenance will lead to less taxes?

Tikus laughs.

“Ha ha, no. No. We’ve decided to use the extra money to lure film studios to our beautiful city. But no Hallmark or any of small time stuff. Only big studios.”

“I mean, no offense to Jerry O’Connell, he’s no Jennifer Lawrence.”

Tikus wiggles his eyebrows.

“You know what I mean?”

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